


Helltaker's Trial

by WrestleCrazyGamer



Category: Helltaker (Video Game)
Genre: Because I can, Gen, It Was Funny In My Head I Promise, One Shot, for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25016827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrestleCrazyGamer/pseuds/WrestleCrazyGamer
Summary: The Helltaker finds himself in God's courtroom, the deity presiding in the flesh.
Relationships: The Helltaker/Harem
Comments: 4
Kudos: 115





	Helltaker's Trial

Chains and shackles made of light jingled and jangled at the Helltaker was led along by angels geared up in full angelic platemail. The left lense of his shades was busted and his jacket was nowhere to be seen. He was roughed up as well. The angels soon showed him to a platform with a small podium on it at the end of a hallway. The platform then jostled a bit before ascending like an elevator. When it reached the top, he found himself in a pearly white courtroom with countless angels around the room. Chained up in the left side of the witness pews were the harem members. They also looked to be a little worse for wear.

“All rise for Her Holiness, God.” an angel announced, making the sea of angels and the harem stand.

The angel who descended had long flowing white hair and tanned skin. Her eyes were pure white, not showing any irises or pupils. She wore a flowing white greek dress bearing golden trim and design work. Extending from her left side were nine immense angel wings, and on the right were equally large black devil wings.

“Why does God have devil wings?” the Helltaker asked, earning him a prod from the spear of a guard making him yelp.

“Watch your mouth, sinner.”

“Hold thy anger. We are here today to punish this man for his crimes. We need not bother with swearing formalities. He cannot tell lies in my presence.” God spoke in a cold monotone voice.

“I can’t?” he asked.

“You are free to try.” God smirked slightly.

“Let’s see… guess we’ll go with an obvious one. I have a twelve-foot-” he spoke when suddenly his tongue seemed to tie itself making him stop.

“I’m a wo-”

“I’ve never-”

“Huh. Well whaddya know? It’s not even letting me finish the lies.”

“Now, Mister Helltaker. We bring thou before us today because thou hast committed crimes far beyond what is permissible. How dost thou plead?” God narrowed her gaze.

“You’re not going to recite my crimes before asking how I plead?” he asked.

“You know what you did, sinner!” a guard roared, getting the crowd in an uproar forcing God to raise a hand to silence them.

“If thou insists. Thy first crime is illegal passage into Hell. Not that thou can, dost thou deny this claim?” God sighed.

“Nope. I did that and don’t regret it.” he replied, prompting many gasps from the audience.

“The purpose for invading Hell is listed as ‘to form a harem of demon women’. Is this accurate?” God asked.

“Yep. Had a dream about it, so I went and made it come true.” he nodded.

“Swine!”

“Silence. This is my courtroom and you will respect its sanctity.” God scowled.

“I apologize for my rudeness, Holiness.”

“Thy second crime is directly related to thy motives. Thou formed a demon harem and proceeded to take them out of Hell, correct?” God asked him.

“Well unless they’re a mirage and this is a dream…” Helltaker shrugged, looking over at the demonesses.

“Of the demons thou hast seduced into thy harem, three of them hold very important roles in Hell’s infrastructure, do they not?” God questioned.

“Yeah. Law enforcement and running Hell in general.” Helltaker nodded.

“For the angelic record, can thou name these demons?” God requested.

“They are Justice, Judgment, and Lucifer herself.” he responded.

“Indeed. Now, to thy third crime. Not only did thou take demons out from Hell, thou allowed them to run amok in the human realm.” God spoke, narrowing her gaze scornfully.

A large screen of light then appeared and began showing a slideshow of various scenery. In all of them the demons of Helltaker’s harem were causing trouble in some form or another, especially Cerberus. The more slides were shown the more Helltaker began to sweat just a bit more. The demons of the harem also looked elsewhere trying to play off their nervousness.

“Yeah, I definitely could have done a better job reining them in...” he swallowed, tugging his shirt collar.

“Indeed.” God huffed.

“Sorry about that…” he chuckled lightly.

“This is not the greatest of thy crimes either.” God scowled.

“It’s not?” he asked curiously.

“Oh? Do you intend to play dumb?” God asked, her tone breaking from its monotone nature.

“Did she stop speaking Shakespearean all of a sudden…?” Justice asked.

“Oh no…” Lucifer groaned, trying to sink and hide in her chair.

“Your greatest crimes involved Lucifer, the CEO of Hell. Do you mean to tell me that you do not know what crimes I speak of?” God asked sternly.

“Um. I’m sure I probably did something wrong, but I don’t know what I did specifically.” he admitted.

“Do you know Heaven’s policy on intercourse before marriage?” God asked.

“Every human does that, why am I the only one getting punished for it?” Helltaker asked, shocked by the claim.

“You have had  _ unprotected intercourse _ on  _ countless _ occasions with Lucifer, did you not? Tell me, is there a  _ ring _ on Lucifer’s finger…?” God growled.

“Um. No, and it wasn’t just with Lucifer. I’ve done it with all of them at least 500 times each. If it bugs you that much I’m willing to save up enough to propose to each of them.” he shrugged.

“Mm. That isn’t your greatest sin, however. Not only have you  _ failed _ to marry Lucifer, but you have violated the #1 Taboo of the human world.” God spoke in a low tone, causing the lighting in the room to darken.

“I didn’t kill anyone!” he gasped.

“She doesn’t mean murder.” Judgment groaned, visibly sweating.

“Ohhhhhh, that totally slipped my mind too.” Modeus gasped.

“Right,  _ that _ taboo. Nobody has ever been brave enough to do it so I forgot too.” Justice laughed.

“That’s a taboo?” the Cerberus sisters asked in unison.

“Could you stop dancing around it and maybe tell me what the taboo is so I understand?” Helltaker asked.

“Humans and demons... are expressly forbidden from starting families. Meaning… no babies.” Lucifer muttered, her face completely red.

An angel then brought forth a cage with a sleeping baby girl with two large devil wings on her back inside. What little hair she had was a mix of black and white.

“Do you know who this is…?” God asked.

“My daughter, Lucia. Named her after Lucifer. Lucifer gave birth to her a few months back. Funny story how it happened-” he replied.

“Enough. Do you know what she is…?” God prompted him, tapping her fingers on the railing in front of her.

“Half demon…?” he questioned, hoping it was the right answer.

“Mm.  _ No _ . She is an  _ antichrist _ . Do you know  _ why _ she is an antichrist?” God asked, her demeanor becoming even more sinister as the lighting in the room seemed to get even darker.

“Gonna go with no…” he replied, making God fly down from her podium to grab him by the shirt to lift him up.

“She’s my granddaughter that’s why! She’s of impure blood! You can’t be part angel, part devil,  _ and _ part human! The bloodlines don’t play nice together! She is born with an innate instinct to sin despite having angelic roots as well as demonic ones! It would be different if you had at least married Lucifer first, but no! You just had to have a harem didn’t you!? You just had to get jiggy with them before marriage didn’t you?!” God roared in his face.

“Granddaughter? So you’re Lucifer’s mom?” Helltaker asked.

“That’s common knowledge, man. God is the mom, or otherwise credited ‘creator’, of angels and demons as well as humans. Our roots come from God, no matter how many generations pass. So of course she’s Lucifer’s mom too, just her directly related mom.” Malina sighed.

“Please tell me that isn’t all he took away from her scolding…?” Judgment groaned, facepalming.

“If she’s gonna have bad habits then I’ll teach her right from wrong, like any parent should.” Helltaker stated.

“You think that fixes your crimes?!” God screamed, shaking him violently.

“Fine, I’ll marry the girls too.” he shrugged.

“He can’t be serious…?” Judgment sighed.

“So the final straw was the tyke? Guess that explains why Lucy looks like she’s melting over here.” Justice smirked.

“You knew that God was going to get mad, huh? Why didn’t you say anything the moment you got pregnant?” Zdrada asked.

“I… couldn’t bring myself to panic after seeing how happy he was to have a kid with me. After Lucia was born it just… well, it completely slipped. I forgot that mom was going to be earth-shatteringly mad that I broke not one but  _ two _ of her household rules.” Lucifer groaned.

“Never have sex before marrying, and no kids with humans.” Beelzebub’s voice spoke before the devil herself appeared.

“Beelzebub…” God scowled.

“Heavenly Mother, forgive me for trespassing in your courtroom, but I simply must interject on Mister Helltaker’s behalf. You are twisting the facts to make it easier to smite him. It is  _ only _ Lucifer who is capable of giving birth to antichrists. The others are only capable of birthing half demons. The reason for this is how untainted by breeding her blood is. Lucifer has been single her entire life until now, so her lineage has never once passed down muddying the gene pool.” Beelzebub spoke.

“Could you not bring up my love life…?” Lucifer groaned.

“Apologies, Lucy, but if you want your child’s father to live then I must. God is quite set on smiting him.” Beelzebub giggled.

“Get to your point, Beelzebub.” God growled.

“You’re being an overprotective mother, flying off the handle because her daughter made a decision for herself. Last I had checked, God is supposed to be unbiased and forgiving of humanity’s sins. There is also the fact that you cut the aftermaths from the damage the demons did. Yes he failed to stop them, but he also made sure to help repair everything they destroyed. This shows that he is remorseful and repents for his failure to keep their behavior in check.” Beelzebub explained, making God red in the face as the crowd of angels began murmuring quietly.

“Get on with it.” God demanded impatiently.

“I propose a compromise rather than a punishment. The demons in his harem will continue to live with him, but under a certain strain of conditions. First, he must marry each and every last one of them. This will remove the crime of living in sin, by your own definition. Second, the demons must resume their work in Hell. They will be allowed to open a portal to Hell in Mister Helltaker’s basement so that the commute is not unreasonable. They will also each be allotted two days off where they do not need to return to Hell for work. Third, to prevent any more property damage in the human realm, the demons are to wear special collars designed by me that will forcibly stop them from attacking anything without permission from Mister Helltaker. Once on, they can only be removed by him and only if he is willing to. No threats, no seduction, no convincing - it must be his own free will.” Beelzebub proposed to them.

“So how do we know he won’t just remove it from them immediately?” God asked.

“Well unless he plans on another trial for  _ violating _ this compromise I think we don’t need to worry about that…” Beelzebub chuckled sinisterly.

“If taking them off is violating it when why do I even have that ability?” Helltaker asked.

“Think of it as a test of trust between you and Heaven. They need a very easy way to tell if you are in violation, so giving you the full power to remove the collars is the perfect means to do check this. The collars can’t just slip off by accident either, they are designed so that if they come off it was 100% deliberate. That’s more than fair, is it not?” Beelzebub smirked.

“They will outlive him. When he sheds his mortal coil, how will they remove the collars?” God asked.

“Without someone to bind to, they will come off on their own. Naturally, their relationship will continue in Hell where it will no longer matter as he was consorting with demons. The issue of human-demon relations thusly resolves itself.” Beelzebub answered.

“I never thought I’d see the day I’d be told that I’m going to Hell and would not be offended by it.” Helltaker shrugged.

“This still does not resolve the issue of an antichrist being born.” God narrowed her eyes.

“Naturally she will be raised by them, but instead of going to human schools she will go to schools in Hell where her sinful instincts will be commonplace. There she can be taught how to control those instincts, and will then be able to live as she likes without fear of causing the End to come about.” Beelzebub giggled, looking smug.

“How do the demons feel about this?” God asked the group.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Justice shrugged.

“A collar is embarrassing… but if it will spare him Heaven’s wrath…” Judgment groaned.

“I’ve worn plenty of collars. Does it come with a leash loop? Can we modify mine to have one?” Modeus asked.

“The mean police lady said we need collars anyway. Speaking of leashes, she said we need those too.” the Cerberus sisters beamed.

“As long as it isn’t doesn’t chaffe. Well, okay, it can chaffe a little...” Zdrada shrugged.

“Tch. If I gotta.” Malina huffed.

“I’ve no objections.” Pandemonica stated, adjusting her glasses.

“Well, Lucy? What say you to this compromise? You  _ are _ Lucia’s mother after all. Don’t you want what’s best for your baby girl?” Beelzebub sneered.

“Shut up! I’ll put on the damn collar, okay?!” Lucifer snapped, clenching her fists.

“Ah, before I forget, you have Azazel in your penitentiary for bedding with demons, yes? I’d like to request she be forced into the deal as well.” Beelzebub asked God.

“Why?” she replied sternly.

“Simple. She has very clearly sinned, so conducting your usual investigation of her actions is completely unnecessary. So why not banish her from the heavenly gates as a fallen angel? Mister Helltaker’s harem just wouldn’t be complete without her.” Beelzebub smirked.

“Fine… I can abide that, seeing as I’m already letting this swine live.” God huffed, dropping Helltaker causing him to fall flat on his ass.

“Ow…”

“Know this, Helltaker. If you make Lucifer cry, or worse break her heart… there is nowhere in creation that you can hide from me. I will do worse than just kill you… I will outright erase you from existence.” God threatened, glaring down at him.

“Understood ma’am.” he swallowed nervously.

“This court has decided upon a compromise for the accused. Heaven will be watching, and I will not have mercy upon thy soul should thou step out of line.” God announced.

“Understood.” Helltaker saluted.

Things  _ mostly _ returned to normal after that day. Now and then God would visit to really show her motherly side, making absolute sure that Lucifer was doing okay. Lucifer was unable to hide how red her face got as God went the nine yards to unintentionally embarrass her in front of the rest of the harem. When God would visit it made things very awkward for Helltaker as he was afraid of stepping on the creator’s tail, so to speak.

Little Lucia had also begun to develop a naughty streak, trying to use her wings to fly up and out of her crib. The Cerberus sisters were then stationed as Guard of the Crib to keep her from getting hurt with her escape antics. Beelzebub also meant it when she said the collars would stop the harem from damaging things in the human world too. Cerberus tried to destroy a swing and a bolt from the heavens gave them quite a shocking counterattack. It took about five more bolts for them to learn their lesson.

As for Lucifer herself, now and then she could be found staring intently at her wedding ring with the biggest smile on her face. She would never admit it, but she was very happy to be the very first bride.


End file.
